college class

It has never been particularly lost on me that the bulk of my paid-for-by-tuition college experiences were mostly for naught. I had such a blast in college, and there were formative aspects of it that have made me who I am today, but the classes I took were mostly pretty weak, uninteresting and without much benefit to the point that I didn’t feel compelled to go that often, and when I did I didn’t feel a need to pay all that much attention. (I wrote a horrible 8,000-word story by hand in one of my senior year classes about attaching bizarre meanings to short stories that should have just been entertaining to read. I’m 100-percent sure that the practice writing was of more benefit to me than paying close attention ever would have been.)

Recently, I started a copywriting portfolio program. Being enrolled in something where the classes are all going to help me in what I hope will one day be my profession is refreshing, but it also really makes you think more about the undergrad classes you paid a bonkers amount of money for and got nothing from.

And so I humbly submit these suggestions for courses to be offered to students as electives at universities all over the country:

  • How To Disappear Completely And Never Be Found Again
  • Proper Social Media Etiquette And What Not To Share Because Nobody Will Care
  • How To Track Down A Cyber Bully And Make Him Or Her Say That Shit To Your Face
  • How To Manage a 401(k)
  • How To Transfer 401(k) Funds To Another Account When You Leave Your Shitty Job For Another Less-Shitty Job
  • How To Do Your Taxes Well Enough That The Government Will Have To Pay You Back Some Bucks
  • What Feminism Really Means And How To Argue With People Who Use It Incorrectly As Justification For Every Idiotic Thing They Do
  • How To Build And Maintain Your Credit Rating
  • Simple Mathematics That You Will Use In The Real World
  • A Guide To Office Politics
  • Basic Self-Defense*
  • Basic Emergency Medical Training*
  • A Really Honest Sexual Education (Taught Remotely By Doctor Drew)
  • What Various Religions Across The World Really Believe**
  • How To Build, Start And Maintain A Fire
  • The Importance Of Health Insurance And How To Get It Without Moving To Canada
  • Time Management
  • How To Handle All The Types Of Rejection You Will Inevitably Experience Once You Leave This Place
  • How To Write An Earnest Online Dating Profile
  • A Guide To Frugal Living
  • A Guide To Pretending Like You Understand High Fashion
  • What Law Enforcement Officials Can And Cannot Do To You, And What You Can And Cannot Do To Them If And When They Are Power-Hungry Pricks To You
  • How To Lose The Weight You Gained In College…And How To Keep It Off
  • Comprehensive Bar Trivia Training Seminar
  • How To Prepare For And Cope With Absolute Failure
  • How To Switch Careers When You Realize What You Studied At This Institution Was A Horrible Mistake And You Wish Desperately That You Could Turn Back Time And Do It All Over Again
  • How To Write In The Digital Age
  • How To Use Title Case Properly

*This one came to me today when I was reading news about a horrific school stabbing at a high school near my hometown. Twenty-two people were stabbed (one of whom was a security guard) before the 16-year-old assailant was tackled and taken into custody. Violence is not the answer, but people need to learn how to defend themselves since the world is such a profoundly f**ked up place.

**Also known as “Destroying Ignorance 101”