bro

stock bro-ker.
stock bro-ker.

No grown man really wants to be a bro. Or at least he shouldn’t, anyway.

But sometimes you might be unintentionally being a bro without even realizing you’re being a bro, you know?

Not to worry—you just need to be a little bit more self-aware. If you promise to abide by the following rules, you will never be justifiably dubbed a bro.

1. Never call somebody “bro.”

2. Don’t be a one-upper, especially when it comes to detailing the intensity of your drinking adventures and your action-packed life in general. You get to a point in life where people will not be at all impressed by the fact that you day drank and went out two days in a row.

3. Don’t chastise your friends when they drink something other than a domestic beer or a shot of Jager or Fireball. There are a great many ways to get wasted, none of which are cooler or more acceptable than the others.

4. Clear your apartment of any and all hair gel.

5. Don’t be unnecessarily boisterous or vulgar. There are better, less annoying ways to get the attention of those around you.

6. Unless you are very near or in a body of water, or playing in a shirts vs. skins game of pickup basketball, keep your shirt on in public.

7. Never, ever take a selfie with your shirt off and/or or at the gym. In fact, keep your exercise regimen to yourself. Nobody cares, especially if you’re doing it purely for aesthetic reasons.

8. Set your fraternity and/or beer logo T-shirts on fire. Actually, avoid most clothes that prominently feature a logo. When you’re an adult you don’t need everyone to know that the crew neck sweatshirt you’re wearing came from Abercrombie & Fitch.

9. Rid your wardrobe of Affliction and Ed Hardy. You may dig the designs, but those brands are just so, so…bro.

10. Do not challenge other dudes to fist fights unless they have had sex with your girlfriend.

11. Keep your comments about how bad a woman allegedly “wants it” to yourself. We don’t really care if she does or doesn’t. Any idiot can get laid. Hipsters get laid!

12. Don’t make racist or homophobic jokes. (Actually, everybody should follow this one.)

13. Only take a picture of your car when you get a new one, and when you do make sure you’re not leaning against it with your arms folded.

14. Horseshoes, cornhole, and other outdoor games that go well with drinking are great. Lots of people enjoy them. But they’re not all that complicated. You don’t deserve a gold medal every time you win a match, so don’t act like it.

15. Don’t hump inanimate objects unless you’re in the privacy of your own home.

16. Always remember that in today’s fashion environment, boot cut jeans are not your friend.

17. Take off your sunglasses when you’re indoors unless you’re stoned and your eyes are really bloodshot or you have a crippling migraine.

18. If you find yourself saying something like “I don’t like country music except for Kenny Chesney,” punch yourself in the dick so you won’t ever do it again.

19. Take it easy on the stories about all the recreational sports you play in your free time. Nobody cared about your intramural performance in college. Same thing applies here.

20. Don’t be afraid to read books and educate yourself on current events. It’s a good defense mechanism for if someone wrongly calls you a bro and you blow their mind with a three-minute monologue on the global economic implications of the situation in Crimea, peppering in jabs about how Putin is a wannabe bro.

21. Keep your living space clean.

22. If you work in investment banking, make sure you have another topic to discuss with people that isn’t so…broish.

23. If you’re at an outdoor concert, resist the urge to blow up the Magnum condom you keep in your wallet (for whatever reason) and hit it around like a beach ball.

24. Refrain from doing film impersonations, especially if you are awful at them.

25. If you like to wear Axe or Bod Man products, that’s fine, but don’t display them prominently in your home.