I dig the concept of Kickstarter, because occasionally it allows talented and innovative people turn their amazing, beneficial ideas into actual existence, by way of crowd-sourced funding. I have many friends who have used the website to fleece their friends, family, and others who have some sort of interest in what they’re trying to make. Many of them have had success. (Do I donate? Not usually, because, sadly, I am poor, and have to use the funds I would donate to Kickstarters to pay for the caffeinated beverages that get me through the day.)

But, since everyone else is asking people for money so that they can pursue their passion projects, I figure I’ll get in on it, too.

Here are some ideas I have for Kickstarters:

• A book that will be all about how I would go about hiring an assassin to murder terrible celebrities in comical ways. I would include celebrities based on suggestions and how much money I could raise, but would probably start with Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, and Justin Bieber, the unholy trinity of people who really, really, really suck. My hope is that people will log onto Kickstarter, see my idea, and donate on the thought that I proposed a book, when in reality I am raising money to clandestinely hire an actual assassin to do-off maligned and nefarious celebrities. (Which is exactly my plan. I was inspired by that book O.J. Simpson wrote about how he would’ve gone about killing people if he had in fact killed people.)
• A book full of erotic fan fiction where the fund contributors are allowed to vote on the celebrities I will write erotic fan fiction anecdotes about. (I’ll start with Maria Menounos, the most beautiful person in the world, and then go from there.)
• A website to supplement my erotic fan fiction anthology where people can suggest other people for me to write about. And when I do write about them, I’ll write the beginning of these stories, post them on the website, and allow the readers to choose where the plot goes next.
• Splash guards for urinals. you know how sometimes you whip it out to hang an extra-aggressive wire, and when your urine hits some of the water in the reservoir of the urinal, it splashes back up and hits you in the hands/arms/pants/etc.? That’s pretty gross, right? So what if there was a contraption made of, say, Plexiglas that prevented those splashes from escaping and hitting you?
• A manual that teaches people how not to be awful and narcissistic on the Internet, written by a person who is occasionally awful and narcissistic on the Internet. I shall call it “Do As I Say, Not As I Do.”
• An app that syncs with window air conditioning units that allows you to control the ones in your immediate vicinity. So it’s convenient. The app will also work on a credits system. You will purchase cool-air credits when you need them, and reload when you run out, so that air conditioning use can finally be completely fair. Like, if I use the air conditioning more than my roommate, he shouldn’t have to pay the same amount of money as I do for the electric bill that month, right? And vice-versa. This project would just be the beginning. Eventually, we’d all be completely responsible (fiscally and otherwise) for the energy we’re consuming.
• You know FatHeads, right? Well, what if you could make a FatHead… of your own bookshelf? When I moved to New York City, I had to leave behind many of my favorite books, because I didn’t have the space. Now I download my books and comics and even some magazines on a Kindle Fire. It’s convenient, but I miss the comfort of being able to look over at my shelves of books as a tangible reminder that I am almost kind of cultured. I want to Kickstart a company that allows you to customize decal bookshelves that you can put up in your apartment without taking up any space at all. Pick the books you want on there, and organize them in whichever order you want.
• Gloves made specifically for people who want to eat wings on dates.
• A leather vest that is similar to the vest the singer from Blues Traveler always wears, which has many compartments for his different harmonicas and mouth harps. This vest would have many compartments for flasks, and it would be called “The Booze Traveler.”