Mummy says HiEvery year, I seem to find myself scrambling for a Halloween costume idea and execution a few days before the holiday. Throughout the year, I come up with many different ideas I think would make an impressive costume, but then I completely forget about them. Then I end up dressing as something very lame. It’s like when I used to walk into a video store and completely forget about the 100 films I’d intermittently put on my must-see list, and settle for renting V For Vendetta for the 80th time.

This year, I decided to jot down a few costume ideas as they came to me. Feel free to use them, if you like.

The Pigeon Lady from Home Alone 2: Lost in New York: You can be any character from the franchise, really, like the Wet/Sticky Bandits or the South Bend Shovel Slayer, but I’m partial to the Pigeon Lady. Mostly because you can’t take a garbage can and snow shovel into most bars or parties. You can, however, dress up like a homeless woman, sneak a bunch of birdseed into your destination, and toss it into the air before screaming, “KEVIN! RUN!”

North West: Simply dress up as a compass pointing to the northwest. Or as a map of Oregon, Washington, Idaho and Montana.

Booze Traveler: You guys know John Popper, the front man for Blues Traveler? Well, he always has this leather vest he wears with a bunch of pockets on the front of it that contain different types of harmonicas and mouth harps. Construct a vest like this for yourself, except make the pockets for holding multiple flasks and/or miniature bottles.

T-Party: A nice group costume that people will probably not immediately understand. One of you dresses up as a tea bag. Another dresses as a golf tee. The third dresses as the letter T. Another can dress as a T-Bone steak. The final member can dress up as a T-shirt. Each of you can wear party hats and streamers.

Parks and Recreation: Find a friend. One of you can attach playgrounds, trees, ball fields, bike trails, and all of the other things you find in a friendly neighborhood park. The other can attach pieces from myriad recreational events to his or her body, like a tennis racket, video game controller, etc.

Photo Shop: Spend some time on Instragram gathering some of yours and your friends’ best photographs from the past year or so. Print them out. Attach them to your body with a price tag on each one.

James Blunt: A blunt is generally marijuana wrapped in brown cigar wrapping paper. You can dress up as a blunt, and then wear one of those “Hello, My Name is:” stickers. With “James” written on it, of course.

Nudist Priest: Dress up like a naked person wearing only a priest collar (and maybe, like, some briefs or a tube sock or something). Get it? Because it sounds like Judas Priest?

Parah Sailin: Dressing as Sarah Palin is about as played out as dressing like Lady Gaga. Unless you dress like Sarah Palin and walk around with a deployed parachute behind you all night.

Running of the Bulls: Dress up in running shoes, running shorts, and Chicago (or Durham) Bulls jerseys. Proceed to jog all over town, from bar to bar and party to party.

YouTube Video Player: Dress up as a computer screen situated around your head, and design said screen to look like YouTube’s video viewer. Title your video “Dude makes out with hottest girl in bar.” Ensure that somebody takes a picture when women in bars attempt to make out with you. Instagram that shit. Become famous.

Kissing booth: I did this in high school, and it was one of the best ideas I have ever stolen from somebody else and executed on my own.

French kiss: Dress up as a stereotypical French dude. Carry around a glass of red wine, a baguette, and a slim cigarette. Rock a beret. Paint your face like one of the members from the band KISS.

A Dick Pic: Dress up as Richard Nixon, and wear a frame around your head the entire night.