My parents did an amazing job preparing me for life. I mean hell, I am mostly competent at eating, I can tie my own shoes, and I wipe my own ass (Big Daddy ref? no?). I’m not sure what else a parent needs to do to prepare a child for life, really. That being said, there are a couple of things that I do wish I would’ve been told.

Actually, it’s not entirely fair to put this on my folks. The stuff that I wish I knew isn’t normally taught. It’s stuff that I guess you could say you “learn by living” or “most people wouldn’t think twice about so why are you overanalyzing this?” But I know that my life would be so much more clearer, so much more fulfilled if only I knew these things.

Here are my top 20:

1. How long should you wait between getting your hurr did (hair cut)? Always feels like I go just long enough to where it looks like I should’ve gotten it cut already.

2. What’s the regular amount of times a month to clean an apartment? So you’re not like completely OCD, but also not a slob?

3. How can you tell what type of wall you have? And what type of walls require anchors when you’re hanging your velvet black light Bob Marley poster that you bought from Spencer’s (the AUTHORITY in velvet black light posters)?

4. How many morning poops is too many? If you have a spike in morning poo activity, is that cause for concern?

5. How many times can you tell a joke before it gets old? ‘Cause my answer is NEVER.

6. If you give your friend some money, at what monetary value are you allowed to ask your friend to pay you back without being branded as “the cheap friend”?

7. If you get to a bar and get there before your friends, what’s something you can do other than stare at your phone in the most isolated corner of the bar (and no, striking up a conversation with a stranger is not an acceptable response)?

8. How many times can someone not do the thing you ask before it’s OK to yell at them for being completely worthless because all I asked was that you let me know when you go to the bar because I didn’t want to get there before you, dammit all!

9. What’s the best way to wash dishes? Should you wait ‘til all the dishes pile up in your sink or wash as you go?

10. How in the Sam Hell do you iron the collar of a shirt?

11. What’s an acceptable time to call people, or should you always text first because who knows if you’re interrupting them?

12. How long can a text be before it’s too long?

13. What’s a good limit for being open to new experiences? Like you should try things that may make you uncomfortable, but you also don’t want to end up having to tell a cop “Well, I thought about not doing it cause the thought made me uncomfortable, but I am open to new experiences…”

14. What’s the proper way to care for a tattoo that you got whilst being open to new experiences?

15. Are Marvin The Martian Tattoos cool?

16. How do I approach a girl at a bar without seeming awkward?

17. What’s the diplomatic way to respond when a gal catches you checking her out?

18. If a girl says she’s not interested, but you think she is, what’s the acceptable amount to continue to woo her without being a pest/stalker? I mean I know how not to be a stalker, but if Johnny Cash is any example, persistence can pay off.

19. How often should I expect a massage to lead to sex? ‘Cause it does in 100% of the videos I watch on the topic.

20. How many times a week can I eat food that’s terrible for me  and still probably be OK in the long run? Gotta be more than once, right?