newyearsdaySince the start of this New Year, I’ve read many posts online from people detailing what resolutions they’re looking to take on. But as expected, it’s same old same old, like how somebody is going to stop swearing so much, or will start exercising, or will quit doing shots of ranch dressing at 12:30 a.m. before they say their nightly prayers and hit the sack.

I’m not a big New Year’s Resolution person, because I tend to lack follow-through and have accepted as much. And because I’m too random to pick one day out of the year to start doing things I think will make myself a better person. But I do spend a lot of time thinking about self-improvement, and of weird and unorthodox ways it can be achieved.

Henceforth! I drafted this list of suggested resolutions that may help you have a better 2014 than you otherwise would have:

  • Exercise, but do the kind of exercise you want to do. There is a reason that dudes like me gain weight after high school: we quit playing sports and are unable to get stoked about running around aimlessly or standing on an elliptical while trying to keep up with Wolf Blitzer’s train of thought by way of closed captioning. If you begin a life where you even only occasionally binge drink and/or eat, you’re still going to put on weight if you become more sedentary than you previously were. It’s science! So find something you enjoy doing, like playing pickup basketball or mountain biking or stealing stuff from your friends and then sprinting away. Or start a fight club. If you enjoy the strenuous activity you’re doing, you’ll feel better about it and be more likely to continue with it. This will yield a nice Speedo body for the summer months, which could help you get laid more often. Which should be a resolution NO MATTER WHAT. (Unless you are a recovering sex-addict.)
  • Spend more time on the phone, but, you know, actually on the phone. We use our phones so much for so many different things these days that it can actually take away from our communication with others. Instead of firing up Temple Run, send a text message (or even call, if you’re that much of a freaking rogue) to somebody you haven’t been in contact with a while. They’ll be happy to hear from you, and you’ll get more out of catching up with an old friend (or LOVER– see above resolution) than you ever will from playing a handheld videogame (that is not Pokémon).
  • If you’re looking to up the sexy and think you need to make a dietary change in addition to the men’s dodge ball league you just joined to aid in ridding yourself of the man tits, try dieting AND TELLING NOBODY ABOUT IT. It’s going to be much more gratifying to get compliments from people who are sincerely taken by how good you look. If you tell and post about your new dietary regimen every day, you’re likely to get patronizing comments from people. Nobody cares about your day-to-day weight loss. They’ll only get excited about the end product–which, is a finely sculpted bod and the improved mental outcome that comes with an improved self-image. You’ll feel much better if you clandestinely shed that spare tire and people notice, and you’ll know the compliments are real.  Plus, you won’t ever have to tell people what you were doing if you fail.
  • Embrace a lack of productivity. People always tell me that they want to be more productive in the coming year, which is cool, but you can do that in most cases without sacrificing your “Me Time.” It may behoove you to take more advantage of the “here and there” moments, when you could be doing something productive but are instead of surfing Tinder or looking at all your ex-girlfriends’ Facebook pages.
  • Fight more. So many people resolve to be less confrontational. Why not flip the script? Become the person who stands up for what he believes in, and is willing to vehemently defend his stances. Just don’t be a douche about it.
  • Enact a very loosely enforced “No Girls Allowed” policy on your apartment or house or room that you rent. This way, you can tell your mom she is not allowed to enter your apartment when she visits. And when you do allow special women onto the premises, you can earnestly say that not many girls make it that far.
  • Hold a day every week when you and your best friends can get together to have fun and stay updated on each others’ lives. People do this all the time in sitcoms, and they seem very happy with the arrangement, and also very tight-knit. No matter what you have on your plate, you will not, in retrospect, regret hanging out with your friends on a regular basis.
  • Really embrace the power of curse words. If you’re like me, you probably swear wildly and indiscriminately. There’s nothing wrong with this, especially if you live and/or work in an environment where swearing is part of the common vernacular. Instead of focusing on cutting back, focus on when, and with how much conviction, you use your swear words. Curses can have very serious effects when used sparingly and appropriately. You may find that if you concentrate on delivering swear words at the most awesome and beneficial times, you will organically stop using them so much in regular, day-to-day scenarios!
  • Really put yourself out there. If you’re single, then every moment you spend watching Orange Is The New Black alone is a moment you could’ve been out there cruising for your first wife!
  • Do something nice every day that you don’t tell others about or post about on social media.

Have an awesome 2014, fellas.