basic bro

  1. Somewhere along the line you fell into The Gap. And, without really wondering why, you resigned yourself to never making your way back out.
  2. You have way more negative opinions on pumpkin spice flavored beverages and pumpkin spice scented paraphernalia than is warranted or reasonable, and the reason isn’t that you have something against gourds or that you don’t very much enjoy the autumnal time of the year, but because you feel like you should be against all of these things because “basic b**ches” are so staunchly in favor of them. It hasn’t occurred to you that by swimming against a pumpkin-laden stream that you are actually falling in with the male version of the “basic” phenomenon.
  3. You spend more time talking to people about how fantastic a show The Wire is and advocating to anyone who will listen that they should watch it than you do actually watching the show and enjoying it for pure entertainment.
  4. Much like The Wire, you spend more time singing the praises of bacon and talking about how you absolutely adore it than you do actually enjoying the wondrous experience of consuming massive amounts of bacon.
  5. You play fantasy football with your friends, and constantly tell people that your league with the guys has molded into essentially the same league dynamic as is found on the television show The League. And you constantly rip on your married friends about how you bet their wife is the one who is really managing the team this season.
  6. You adamantly despise hipsters, but you don’t really know what a “hipster” is and are unable to succinctly describe what the term “hipster” means to you. So you just call people hipsters whenever you discover that they have different interests and engage in a different lifestyle than you do.
  7. You own at least one gingham-patterned button-down shirt, probably from either J. Crew, The Gap or Old Navy.
  8. Your weekend meals are often had at a chain restaurant, despite the fact that you live in a city or town where there are plenty of local, grassroots eateries around that probably have better and more unique menu offerings than Olive Garden or T.G.I. Fridays or Buffalo Wild Wings. You make a show about how you eat at these places ironically, and refuse to ever reveal to anybody that you eat there because, quite frankly, you enjoy all-you-can-eat appetizers, breadsticks, and the like.
  9. You often refer to appetizers as “apps.”
  10. When you order Chinese food, you almost always get General Tso’s chicken, and when you order Japanese, you cop a couple California Rolls.
  11. If you’re married, you very often complain to your male friends about how since you tied the knot you have not been getting laid at all, and you encourage your un-married friends to never “take the plunge.”
  12. Strength training is part of your workout regimen only because you believe that becoming at least vaguely muscular will make you more attractive to females. You have no real applicable reason for making yourself physically stronger.
  13. There is instilled in you a very strong loyalty to Chipotle, and you get unreasonably angry when somebody suggests that Chipotle is no better — and is often much worse—than any of the non-chain joints in your vicinity, many of which deliver Mexican food straight to your door.
  14. When confronted with an awkward silence, your go-to topic is almost always either the weather, or the most current mainstream story about a professional athlete behaving horribly in a felonious way.
  15. There is always a workout regimen of some sort ingratiated in your daily routine, and there is always some goal you’re working toward where, for some reason, your ultimate accomplishment of said goal is in your mind supposed to be rewarded by monetary donations from your friends to a charitable organization. You aren’t really clear on what Type I diabetes is, but you try to get people to throw money toward a research organization so that you will push yourself physically, and you never acknowledge that the combination of these two things is kind of random and could maybe even be deemed absurd.
  16. When you go out with your friends, you never point out that you all seem to be dressed in pretty much the same way.
  17. A sizable chunk of your unsolicited break time at work is spent surfing The Chive, Tindering on the toilet and bragging to colleagues and friends about how you only Tinder while on the toilet,
  18. A big deal is made between you and your buddies when you decide to spend an evening at a strip club.
  19. You tell people your favorite movie is Fight Club, but you are unable to explain why, and when you watch it, you wonder why so many people love that movie, and then you wonder if there is like a deeper meaning to it than a film where a bunch of dudes fight one another in random basements.
  20. Starbucks is your go-to spot where you get your caffeinated beverages.