impatient diners

Next to the weather (well, maybe not right now) and the over-abundance of Trader Joe’s, ordering like a douchebag is one of the best advantages of living in Los Angeles. The entire culture of this city is geared towards letting people act in any fashion they choose and how they order in a restaurant is no different. In fact, some will tell you that if you are not ordering like an LA dbag while you are in the city limits then you are actually ordering wrong.

Unlike with acting or writing, Los Angeles is a place that really encourages you to work on your douchy food-ordering craft. Because whether you know it or not, there is an actual art form to it. Sure, anyone can be picky or specific or difficult when ordering at a restaurant. That’s easy, every day stuff. It takes a real special someone to order like an LA dbag and do so with consistency and aplomb. Below are some of the dbag basics.

Replace all of the ingredients in a dish with all new ingredients – “I’ll have the Chicken Caesar Salad but instead of the chicken I’ll have tofu, instead of Caesar dressing I’ll have the balsamic vinaigrette, and instead of salad I’ll have grilled vegetables.” (Bonus points if you do this with one of the restaurant’s daily specials.)

Let the waiter or waitress come by two or three times before you are ready to order, but when your food comes ask for the check IMMEDIATELY – This solidifies the fact that your time is far more precious than the wait staff’s.

Order off the menu and make it the simplest and most ridiculous thing – If you can get them to make you a Denver omelet in a Thai restaurant then you have truly reached douchy nirvana.

Question if everything on the menu has gluten in it even if you don’t remotely have an issue with gluten – Because you may develop a gluten issues somewhere down the road. And you can never be too careful, right? Besides, all the cool people have gluten problems nowadays.

Omit some ingredients but double up on the others – Eighty-six the scallions but double up on the cilantro and then ask for only a half order. More than likely your order will come out wrong, but at least you can bask in the glory of being special.

Use the name of the waiter or waitress ad nauseam/Repeatedly using the first name of your server – “Can you check on our order, Todd,” “I’d love a tiny bowl of limes, Todd,” “Could you have them melt my soy cheese a little more, Todd,” – shows that you are magnanimous, a genuine person, and in no way, shape or form a pain in the ass.

Say this sentence as defensively as possible: “The kitchen has done that for me before.” – This implies that you have an established relationship with the back of the house. FYI, using the term “back of the house” proves that you were once in the restaurant biz so you know what you are talking about.

Always ask for “the freshest you have” – You are not just some Joe Bag O’Donuts who will blindly accept food that is slightly less then fresh. Hell, you won’t even accept food that is simply just “fresh.” You are the ruler of all you survey and you want, nay, demand “the freshest.”

Don’t send back food but send back your beverage – Sending back food is very common and kind of cliché. Sending back your iced tea because it “tastes too much like tea” is for the true artistes.

Ask for your hot food to be even hotter – “Hey man. I know this is hot but I need it hotter. Like a lot hotter. Like I need steam. Steam, bro, I need like steam rising into my face! Can you take it back and have them remake it with more steam?”

Acknowledge and apologize for how douchy you are being… and then continue your douchy ways – Being self-deprecating about your douchiness allows you to act even more so. Remember, it is always better to beg for forgiveness then ask for permission.