Recently, at UK’s Teen Tech Awards, three teenage boys won an award for coming up with a concept for condoms that change color when in contact with STIs (sexually transmitted infections for the anagramically-challenged). Proving, once again, that all teenage boys think about is sex.
Look, I’m all for the awkward situation that’s created by looking down at a condom mid-thrust and realizing the person you’re banging has syphilis (“I’m totally clean! I swear!” “Oh yeah? THEN WHY IS MY CONDOM PERIWINKLE!?”). That being said, these dudes missed the mark. There are much better ideas out there. Here are 10:
- FitBang Condom
Basically a condom FitBit. Track your thrusts per minute. Stamina. Heart Rate. Your body temp. The volume of your load. Don’t just feel like you’re getting off. Statistically prove it. And yes, I know there’s an app for that, but it’s not nearly as precise as something that’s wrapped around your wiener.
Get in the groove while you’re gettin’ your groove on. Choose some dubstep to really get your partner going (it’ll bring a whole new appreciation for the drop). Choose disco if you’re not rhythmic and want a solid beat to thrust to. Set up playlists if you’re in for a long night. And make sure they end on a soundbite of crowds cheering.
- Padded Condom
Hey, if ladies can wear padded bras, us fellas can wear padded condoms, amirite? (Please don’t answer that.) It’ a pretty straightforward idea: for the guys who need that extra girth but left their penis pumps at home. Clearly not a type of condom I need (again, no response please).
- Condom Light Brite
Fiber optics and LEDs incorporated in the condom will give you a visual experience that will leave your partner thinking they just hooked up with a Christmas tree. Includes an energy bar to let your partner know when you need to “recharge.” Then, flip on the flashlight setting to find your underwear in the dark<./li>
- Ruler Condom
See how you measure up. This condom incorporates a ruler that measures both length and girth. At any point just tap the tip and a bar lights up along and around to let your partner know what they’re in for, even in the dark. And for the self-conscious fellas, buy the versions that use adjusted scales (“That doesn’t look like 9 inches…” “Well that’s what it says on here so it must be true.”).
- Cosplay Condom
You love dressing up for Comic Con, now dress your dick up for Sex Con. Choose from Falcor, the dragons from Game of Thrones, Ironman, or Wolverine (just be careful with those claws on that last one).
- Famous Dicks Condoms
Modeled down to the last vein from penises of lore, you can wear the dick you wish you had. Choose from condoms that are full-scale (i.e. stuffed at the end) or scaled down so you can finally see what it would look like if Lexington Steele’s penis was your size.
- Electric Condom
It’s a shocking delight! Utilizing stim electrotherapy technology, this condom is wrapped in tiny electrodes that don’t taze, just tease. Three intensity settings to pleasure even the most insensitive of folks.
- Delivery Condom
Sync it with Seamless, GrubHub, or Dominoes (if you’re trashy). It calculates the estimated time before you’re finished and places an order so that 5 minutes after you finish (plenty of time to clean up and throw on some clothes) your order is delivered and you can satisfy that post-bangin’ hunger. And if you have stamina issues, it’ll suggest how far before sex you should place your order.
- Deposit Condom
No more awkward trips to the sperm bank with their outdated porn library. This condom doubles as a sperm bank deposit container. Once you’re finished, simply drop the condom into the prepaid mailer and your seed is on it’s way to the nearest bank. Payments post automatically in your bank account the next day.