heavenWhen Colton Burpo was 4, he had a near-death experience and afterwards claimed he went to heaven. He didn’t actually die, hence the “near” in “near-death experience,” but I guess he was dead enough to pop up to heaven for a hot minute. Anyway, his parents believed him because he told them stuff he couldn’t know (like his Mom having a miscarriage, what his great-grandfather looked like when he was young). With irrefutable proof like that, his parents did what any loving parent would do – they wrote a book about it, and sold the rights of the story to a studio. The resulting movie, Heaven Is For Real, starring Greg Kinnear and that dude from Wings, is a piece of cinematic achievement not seen since Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2.

Accompanying the release of the movie, a now-defunct twitter account called @TheColtonBurpo popped up. It’s since been ousted as fake, and has moved to @BoltonCurpo. I’m not going to rehash the rise of the account and how it ended up being ousted as fake. That’s old news. What I’d like to focus on is how just how believable the tweets are.

When my friend first told me about the account and some of the tweets, I immediately thought “This is so amazing, it has to be fake.” But some of the tweets were so ridiculous, it made me question whether or not it could be real. ‘Cause sometimes people say things that are so crazy but they’re so passionate about it, you question your dismissal of it. This is why people follow all those “news” talk shows…ahem…religiously (and no, I’m not just talking about Fox News). So below are some sample tweets, and my critical analysis of how believable they are. Now, before I move on, I need to frame this by saying that the actual Colton Burpo said that in heaven he sat on Jesus’ lap and patted his rainbow-colored horse (which means that Fruit Stripe gum is simply divine). OK, here goes:

This one’s harmless enough. It makes sense that in heaven you wouldn’t have scars, ‘cause presumably the scars are disfiguring in some way, and I’d imagine we’re perfect versions of ourselves in heaven (goodbye, flabby gut!). But what if you had a cool scar? That you’re really proud of? One of those scars that people see and are like “Man, that dude’s a bad ass”? I guess that’s a moot point because if you have that kind of scar you’re probably not getting into heaven.

Again, totally believable. I mean, this is saying that people either understand that everything was much better when we were young, or they listened to Rod Stewart, both of which are clearly valid reasons to want to be forever young (I believe it says in the Bible that there’s a specific part in heaven where you get to nuzzle Rod Stewart in the back of a pickup and on a bale of hay for all eternity).

Alright, so now things start taking a turn. I’m still listing this as believable, but fake Colton needs to clarify some things. Sure, having a racecar bed in heaven makes sense. Sleek, aerodynamic, but with cloud-soft comfort, the racecar bed is the pinnacle of sleep technology. But adult-size racecar beds are tough to come by. Granted, in heaven I’m sure that it’s much easier to get things that are harder to come by in the earthly realm, but I’m skeptical. The saving grace of this fake characteristic of heaven is that we’ve already established that most people are young, so the conundrum of having to build a bunch of adult-size racecar beds is taken care of (though Jesus was a carpenter, so presumably he’d be pretty awesome at making them).

Clearly fake. Everyone knows Greg Kinnear IS God.

This is again a misstep. While I agree with the intent of the statement, there are some cereals out there that are clearly not deserving of heaven. Don’t believe me? Grape Nuts, All Bran, Shredded Wheat (the original giant block kind, the mini frosted kind are worthy). ‘Nuff said.

OK, so here fake Colton redeems himself. I totally buy the infinite pizza clause of heaven. Bonus points if he would’ve said that it was pepperoni sausage (the heaven of pizza toppings).

I don’t believe this fake tweet (stick with me on this!). It makes sense, but you earlier said that in heaven there are no scars. Are you really trying to say that people just never heal in heaven? So like, if I’m bleeding when I die, does that mean I’ll forever bleed too? I like to think that my boy J-Sauce isn’t forever bleeding (and gets to eternally nuzzle Rod Stewart). Also, if Jesus is forever bleeding, that makes me question the final tweet I’ll analyze…

If Jesus is forever bleeding, you either have some really messed up olfactory receptors (ya know, the things that allow us to smell), or you’re saying Jesus’ blood smells, well, amazing. I think the biggest thing that bugged me about this fake tweet is that fake Colton doesn’t say what Jesus smells like. Clearly it’s not something from his time on Earth (I don’t consider smelling like a donkey amazing), so it’s something contemporary. Are we talking Javon Musk? Brut? Davidoff Cool Water? Or is Jesus more of a baller and uses Tommy by Tommy Hilfiger? I feel like this is a key piece of information that anyone who’s truly (or fakely) smelled Jesus would know.

If this fake twitter account taught me anything, it’s that heaven is totally a place I’d hang out in for an eternity or two. But if his experience is supposed to help non-Christians want to go there too, Colton (both fake and real) needs to be a little bit more descriptive about his time chillaxin’ with the Big Guy. As they say, “The devil’s in the details.” Or, in this case, heaven.