My dad drilled into me the notion that you drink alcohol the same way you drink anything, because you enjoy its flavor, not because you want a desired effect. That’s why I don’t understand why people drink coffee when they hate the taste (especially in today’s world of easy access to caffeinated-anything). So it seems a bit counter-intuitive for me to be making the argument I’m about to make. Dad, if you’re reading, best to stop now.

Getting hammered is fun. Not all the time, and not when it’s done often, but every once in a while, hoo boy, it’s fun. There are times when you just need to blow off steam, and granted you can do that in more productive ways like working out, playing a sport, preparing a meal, or what have you, but sometimes the thing that really works is a couple of shots and some blatant disregard for your liver.

I don’t get hammered all that much. Aside from the aforementioned education my pops gave me, I’ve reached a point in my life where it’s just not something that happens much anymore. This is partly due to both a waning desire to do so, and an increased physical difficulty in dealing with the next day (or days, as I’ve learned). But, like I said, every once in a while I like to cut loose.

When those times happen, I’ve made an amazing discovery. Which is that instead of doing sustained drinking throughout the night, it’s best to get hammered drunk quickly and early. Sure you’re the guy who’s way more drunk than he should be at 7:30, but the benefits to this strategy largely outweigh the awkwardness of being that guy (besides, you’re hammered, you don’t care).

When you get hammered early, you tend to save money. Starting early means starting at happy hour. And that means you’re paying happy hour prices to get full-price drunk. Plus, when you drink quickly, it doesn’t take as much to get you shwasto. And if you’re adequately hammered you tend to back off the sauce. Granted, there’s a finesse too this, ‘cause if you’re too hammered then all thought processes go out the window and you’re buying shots of Patron for the bar to feel like a cool rapping artist, only to use the term rapping artist and be ridiculed by the entire bar for whom you’re buying drinks.

Not only are you saving money, but your ability to deal with all the jerkfaces that are around you becomes much easier. I mean I guess some people call those jerkfaces “your friends” but whatever, being hammered makes them more tolerable (totes JK LOL guys, you’re my world). What I mean by that is that the steam that you need to blow off gets released much more quickly. Those TPS reports quickly become a thing of the past (people still get that reference, right?).

But the ultimate benefit of getting hammered early is that you’re, well, hammered early. Meaning that by the time you’re ready to go home, it’ll be like 8 or 9 PM. This may seem like a bad thing, since it means that you’re missing most of the evening’s festivities, but I assure it’s amazing. What that really means is that yes, you may miss some evening festivities, but you’re also going to be in bed by 10 (assuming you’re responsible enough to stuff your face with some sort of cheesy goodness and down a Vitamin Water before passing out). You then have the magical ability to sleep through your hangover and wake up refreshed. ‘Cause you actually ended up getting more sleep than you did on other nights where you find yourself carousing Facebook at 2am. I’ve often wondered how much of my sluggishness the next morning is due to the booze and how much of it is due to me just straight-up not getting enough sleep. My hammered early strategy has suggested the latter. At least to some degree. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s almost 5pm and I have a bar full of Patron shots to buy.