los angeles

No move to a city is quite as surreal as moving to Los Angeles. With most big cities, it usually takes a month or so to adjust and get acclimated. With moving to LA, it takes one year. Yeah… one full year. This is not an opinion. This is a fact. Ask anyone who has moved to the City Of Angels and they will all say that it took them a year to feel truly comfortable in this town. (They will also never call it “The City Of Angels.”)

This city is a lot to process. Even once you have mastered the big things (avoid taking the 101 like you would avoid getting Ebola) there are a multitude of little things (all highway numbers must have a “the” in front of them for no reason whatsoever) to learn. And ironically, in a town that prides itself on bigger is better, it is the little things you learn about LA that make all the difference. Knowing these things may not make you like this place any better, but it will definitely make your adjustment period much smoother. Let us begin.

If you move to LA…

* Someone you know will take you to a bar called Jumbo’s Clown Room your first week here. You won’t love it, you won’t hate it, and you will never go there again.

* You will wait forever in line at Pink’s Hot Dog Stand, not see one celebrity, eat substandard junk food and feel bad for at least four days.

* You will go into the Valley, make fun of it, and wonder how anyone in their right mind can live there. Then you will eventually move there and go, “It’s not so bad.”

* You will purchase a bike or a scooter or roller blades, use them approximately seven times in three months and never use them again.

* You will meet someone who works in reality TV – because everyone works in reality TV.

* You will go vegetarian, then vegan, then pescitarian, then back to omnivore, then you’ll just say screw it and go all-carbs out of sheer defiance.

* You will confuse Little Santa Monica Blvd. with Santa Monica Blvd. and your head will explode.

* You will mysteriously get allergies that you never had before. (This includes gluten.)

* You will be miserable on Halloween because Halloween is always 900 degrees out with the hot Santa Ana winds blowing in your face making you wonder what’s the point of even living.

* You will discover the joy of year-round farmer’s markets and start spouting off such foodie phrases as “farm to table,” “locally sourced,” and “artisanal.”

* You will realize that no one goes to the beach unless they have visitors in town or if you actually live at the beach.

* You will depend on Trader Joe’s more than you ever thought you would need to depend on a supermarket chain.

* You will badmouth The Grove even as you continue to enjoy going there.

* A person you just met will beg you to see their one-person show. It won’t end well.

* You will marvel at how half a million dollars will get you a one-bedroom, one-bath bungalow. (Wait. Did I say, “marvel?” I meant “rage.” My bad.)

* You will hate it when someone calls you “brah” but you will be unable to stop yourself from using it on others (even if they are a boy or a girl.)

* You will walk into any coffeehouse knowing full well that at least 74% of the people working on their laptops are writing a movie script.

* You will dream of working in “Hollywood” without ever having to step one foot in actual Hollywood.