petsMy roommate recently purchased a parakeet. When he texted me to ask if it would be OK for him to introduce a bird into our living environment, I was all for it, because I dig aviary companionship, and also ANYTHING TO HELP EASE THE CRIPPLING AND PERPETUAL FEELING OF LONELINESS, AMIRITE?!

I said yes also because I was extremely excited at the opportunity to have some creative input in the parakeet naming process. See, one of the main, high-level reasons I’ve always wanted a pet of my own is so that I can name him or her something absolutely awesome.

Pets aren’t people—you can name pets something absurd and whacky, and others are more likely to accept it without calling you a hipster or a “Gwyneth Paltrow Goop Wannabe.”

I’ve only had three pets in my life, and they were all family pets that my mom had exclusive naming rights to. Our family rabbit and two dogs were named “Honey,” “Tori,” and “Brandi,” because apparently my mom ran out of naming steam after coming up with monikers for four kids and decided to just go with stripper names.

Roommate ultimately decided to name the bird Ptery the Pterodactyl. This came after an exhaustive brainstorming session and much debate.

During the process, I got a little wild with lists of potential pet names, which I have provided for your consideration below. If you look close enough you’ll gain access to my inner most thoughts.

This list might help you name your pet, or at least serve as a launching pad for the naming process. A process that may be the most important process of your entire life.

I like to also think that many of the following would make excellent band names. Ska band names.

Enjoy.

  1. Raekwon McConaughey (“Hey” for short)
  2. Clyde Flexler
  3. Justin Timbersnake
  4. Lena Dunham
  5. Stick Tracy
  6. Eagle Scout
  7. Rembrandt Cardiganistan
  8. Hoodie Allen
  9. Cat Stevens
  10. Yusuf Islam
  11. Claire Danes Crying
  12. Silver Bullet
  13. Louisiana Jubilee
  14. Geppetto Wood
  15. Gaston The Human
  16. Razzmataz Oxford
  17. Cornbread Jones
  18. Shiksa Smith
  19. Struggle Bus
  20. Chicken Broth
  21. Bo Brobama
  22. Summer Girl
  23. Suave BubbleLetters
  24. Tubthumper O’Neal
  25. Spamburglar Raymond
  26. Surfin’ Spicoli
  27. Skylar The Creator
  28. Kevin McCallister
  29. Van Wilder
  30. Newman’s Own
  31. Extra White Sauce
  32. Jackknife CAPSLOCK
  33. Silly Wonka
  34. Lennon Meringue
  35. McCauley McCartney
  36. Papaya John’s
  37. Filing Cabinet
  38. Control F
  39. Sultan of Swat
  40. Robin Williams’ Knuckles
  41. Podcast
  42. Ranch Stressing
  43. Keri Strug
  44. Brave Middle Toaster
  45. Gratuitous Nudity
  46. And Bloodshed
  47. Alien Predator
  48. Juice Phyllis
  49. Ironic Hashtag
  50. #Blessed
  51. Hot Toddy
  52. Margarita Phil
  53. Oscar Mild
  54. Neko de Gallo
  55. LL Mean
  56. Young Tony Danza
  57. Creep City Council
  58. Lilith Fair
  59. Hootie the Blowfish (if you have a blowfish, obviously)
  60. Elton Sean John
  61. Tulsa Backwards (think about it)
  62. Wedge Antilles
  63. Ice Planet Roth
  64. Rhode Island Steele
  65. Naked Lena Dunham
  66. Real World Boston
  67. Your Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
  68. Jean Claude Condiment
  69. Mayonnaise Power
  70. Bruce Vilanche
  71. Dame Judy Wench
  72. FidOHNOYOUDIDN’T
  73. Phil Burrito
  74. Jose Taco
  75. Asian Yummy House
  76. Alan Pringle
  77. Karen Oreo
  78. Guacamole Obama (I’m hungry, obviously)
  79. Adele Castro
  80. Milf Hunter
  81. Bang Bus
  82. Utility Belt
  83. Cindy Crawford’s Mole
  84. Champion Sweatpants
  85. Performance Fleece (Cold, obvs. Polar Vortex).
  86. Rick Roll
  87. Weird Randy
  88. Smashley Olson
  89. Shmee Rex
  90. Oxford Comma
  91. Janey Briggs (wears glasses)
  92. Yearbook Autograph
  93. TV Dinner
  94. Ted Wedding
  95. Woofie Goldberg
  96. Greater Than Bono
  97. Smokin’ Jay Cutler
  98. Honest James Frey
  99. Grilled Stickies
  100. Ichabod Pain
  101. Calvin Hobbes
  102. Peggy Molson
  103. Chandler Bing Search
  104. Mock Turtleneck
  105. Benito Amilcare
  106. Heisenberg Blue
  107. BatmanBearPig
  108. Waffle Mouse
  109. Rosstafarian
  110. Husquavarna Motor
  111. The Kitchen Sink
  112. Slot Receiver
  113. Greenbean Casserole
  114. Chupacabra Johnson
  115. Marshawn Grinch
  116. Fart Noises
  117. Googles O’Doyle
  118. Chief Jerky
  119. Coldcuts Farleigh
  120. Susan Boyle’s Revenge
  121. Tim Riggins
  122. Peter Flan
  123. Cig Newton
  124. Annexation of Puerto Rico
  125. Duty Free
  126. Winnebago Cot
  127. Deep Sea Clive
  128. Gin and Sonic
  129. Lost Virginity
  130. Sarah SilverWoman
  131. Poke-A-Hot-Ass
  132. Banzai AssHat
  133. Animaniac Brandanowicz
  134. Scotch Masking Tape
  135. Purple Crayon
  136. Sweetness
  137. Second Amendment
  138. Sriracha Cohen
  139. So Fetch
  140. Conor Oberst’s Sweet Embrace
  141. HEY NORM!
  142. Mmmbop Shakur
  143. Russell Crowbar
  144. Awesome Anonymous
  145. Snow Plow
  146. Saltine Challenge
  147. Lester Averman
  148. Twerk Springsteen
  149. Dog Backwards
  150. Savage Gardener