cannabis and condoms

Many legal experts are saying that the question isn’t if marijuana will be legalized on a national level in the United States, but rather, when. It is only a matter of time before pot becomes as acceptable and commonplace as Miller High Life. But for those of you who are too impatient for that day to come, maybe weed-flavored condoms will curb your need for the sticky-icky.

Officially called “Cannadoms”, these wacky prophylactics are supposed to smell and taste just like jazz cigarettes (the greatest nickname for marijuana ever). The condoms are produced by a company in Amsterdam, the home of legalized pot, legalized prostitution and awesome chocolate, proving once again that the Dutch really know how to get their swerve on. And if you aren’t sure that the rubbers are supposed to smell and taste like the herb, they are colored green in order to avoid any such confusion.

Look, I get it. Weed-flavored condoms are a novelty gift. Novelty gifts are supposed to be stupid. That is the sole purpose they’re created to fulfill. They aren’t supposed to have an actual purposeful function. But condoms do serve a purpose – to make sex less pleasurable for all those involved. Oh yeah, and to prevent STDs and unwanted pregnancies. I forgot about those. Regardless, love gloves that taste and smell like cheeba really sets the bar for pointless inventions.

It’s as if someone said, “Hey! Let’s take the two least enjoyable things about smoking marijuana – the taste and the smell – and synthetically put them into a form of birth control.” Obviously, they were smoking from a gigantic bong the shape of Darth Vader’s head when they came up with this idea. It is the ultimate stoner idea – kind of funny but totally useless.

Cannadoms can be purchased singly for a little over two dollars, around fourteen dollars for a ten pack, and a whopping $97.50 for a pack of one hundred. That is a little pricey for an item you can get for nothing at any free clinic. I can see buying a single Cannadom or the ten pack for goofs and giggles. But if you are buying the one hundred pack, especially on the regular, then 1) you might like weed a little too much and 2) you might like novelty items WAY too much.

The level of unnecessary is what is really troubling. Without getting too graphic, there are only three places on the body you can really put a penis wrapped with a weed-flavored condom into and only one of those places has taste buds. So unless it’s going in there and only there, the whole flavor aspect of these jimmy hats is pretty much a waste.

Also, no one likes the smell of chronic just on its own. They like it because the smell is a precursor to how they will feel after they smoke it. It’s a sense-memory thing. There are no cannabis colognes out there on the market so it stands to reason that making an English Riding Coat (the greatest nickname for a condom ever) smell like hydro seems rather superfluous.

But I guess if your junk smells really bad and you wanted to cover up that stank with something else, then maybe weed-flavored condoms are just the thing for you. Or you could just shower. There’s always that. That works too.

Look, a debate on weed-flavored condoms is not part of the “Should marijuana be legalized or not?” discussion. It is, however, a big part of the “Is this novelty item funny enough to keep paying money for it?” discussion. Chances are if you are really into the dank and live the life of a stoner, weed-flavored condoms are not that high (get it?) of a priority in your life. And if you are a straight-up sex machine who buys your goalies in bulk, odds are Cannadoms are not really on your radar. Maybe these things aren’t that awesome. ‘Cause guess what? You cannot get high from weed-flavored condoms…

No matter how hard you suck on them.