FRANCE-INTERNET-GAME-CANDY-CRUSH

Besides being a colossal time-suck, Candy Crush is getting kind of… well, old. Especially since I see actual old people playing it, and doing better than I am. Try one of these suggestions next time you get the itch to jam up some jelly beans:

  • Play some Quiz Up. It’ll help your bar trivia game.
  • Play some Words With Friends. It’ll help your vocabulary game.
  • Write a haiku about somebody you saw while people watching instead of staring at your telephone.
  • Read a book, news story, short story, etc. Read ANYTHING. You can even do so on phones these days, which is pretty radical.
  • Engage in a conversation with a real, live person.
  • Jot down a list of things you want to improve about yourself, and spend a little bit of time thinking about how you will execute said improvements.
  • Put your plans into motion and commence executing improvements.
  • Research what conscious uncoupling means so that you have something to talk about with your friends next time you go out and GOOP inevitably becomes a topic of conversation.
  • Plan a gathering for friends you haven’t seen in a while, and write up an event posting on Facebook and/or an email inviting them out for some whimsical in-real-life interaction.
  • Make your own damn app that people will download and mess with for hours. You could make millions.
  • Stare at that girl sitting across from you on the train until she makes eye contact, at which point you give her a suave head nod.
  • Type out an email to somebody you have not connected with in a while and whom you miss dearly.
  • Watch porn.
  • Answer your emails and get your inbox to read that coveted zero.
  • Use your Netflix phone app to watch a documentary on something that is both entertaining and educational.
  • Use your Netflix app to watch ANYTHING.
  • Volunteer at an old folks’ home or a pet shelter or anywhere, really. Do something kind.
  • Play a legitimate video game that is more advanced than something you can access on your phone.
  • Write a pros and cons list re: a serious life decision that may be looming on your horizon.
  • Make an estimate of the amount of time you spend playing Candy Crush on a daily basis, average it, and spend that amount of time working on a passion project or dedicating yourself to a new and beneficial hobby.
  • Go for a run, or make any active movement that could be construed as exercise.
  • Work on your online dating profiles. I’m fairly confident that your smartphone-gaming prowess will never ever help you get laid, so you should be spending more time on things that might.
  • Log onto Facebook and start randomly poking women.
  • Cook a nice dinner for yourself. You deserve it. You can use your phone to look up innovative new recipes! Then you can write out your grocery list on your phone, as well.
  • Do the job you’re paid to do.
  • Take a nap.
  • Have a shower, or a nice relaxing bubble bath. Do not bring your phone anywhere near the restroom.
  • Do an inventory of Facebook friends, and delete the people who constantly invite you to play Farmville and other stupid games.
  • Log onto Tinder and commence swiping left and right with reckless abandon.
  • Detach yourself from technology and meditate or do some yoga.
  • Have sex with someone, even if that someone is yourself.
  • Make a killer pot of coffee and put it in the refrigerator so it’ll be ready for you in the morning. A nice iced coffee will give you a kind of happiness that Candy Crush never could.
  • Engage in some online gambling.
  • Research and plan a nice vacation.
  • Review some of your favorite places on Yelp.
  • Do your laundry, including your ironing.
  • Join a Fight Club.
  • Purchase some spray paint and some stencils and give street art a shot.
  • Go to a park. Sit on a bench. Contemplate life.  Bring a box of chocolates and offer to share with strangers who sit down next to you.
  • Learn a new language.