I licked an app and I liked it.
I licked an app and I liked it.

Dad: “Um…what in the hell are you doing?”

Me: “You don’t want to know. You really don’t.”

Dad: “Fair enough.”

I am writing this in my parents’ home in Pittsburgh. I’m visiting because SPRING BREAK. My dad has just walked in from a day of work to find me at his desk, sensually (I hope) licking my cell phone’s saran-wrapped touch screen.

Why am I doing this?

Well, you know how when you were a little kid you would kiss the back of your hand or something as a way to practice the real thing? No? I’m the only one who did that? What I’m doing now is kind of the same thing, except I’m gearing up for going down. (Nailed it.)

I’ve never received any complaints, but I feel as though one can never not stand to improve his oral sex game. Unless of course you’re that dude from that one weird episode of Sex and the City who is famous in certain New York City circles for being amazing at cunnilingus.

When I heard about an app called “Lick This” that will allegedly help improve your muff-diving prowess by way of a number of tongue exercises you complete by licking your screen, I had to try it (I’m an experiential journalist).

You don’t have to download the app. You just go to lickthisapp.com on your phone’s browser and start tonguing a communication device. The saran wrap is key because your phone is filthy and obviously getting it wet is not a great idea.

There are three exercises you can complete using Lick This:

  • Up n’ Down: You’ve got to flip a light switch up and down as fast as you can. I suppose this is supposed to mimic using your tongue to flick the bean, as it were.
  • Circles: You move the handle of a pencil sharpener around as quickly as you can. (This app marks the first time in about a decade I have even thought about a pencil sharpener.)
  • Freestyle: You use your tongue to jab at a beach ball that bounces around randomly around the screen. It’s like keeping a condom in the air at a Dave Matthews Band concert…but with your tongue! (It should also be noted that I don’t know how this exercise is going to help with oral sex, but I’m not the expert.)

One issue I had with the app—beyond its inherent bizarreness—is that there seems to be no way to really gauge your performance and improvement.

So I guess you’re going to have to find somebody to engage in a few before and after tests. Which is awesome.

And, while we’re on the subject guys, a word about going down on women: It’s important. If you’re not doing it, you should be at least giving it the old college try. Many women appreciate it, and, to be honest, it’s a good way for you to be less of a disappointment to her if you end up pulling off a three-pump dump.

So whether you decide to try this app or not, you should still be making regular visits to the southland, and you should do what you can to become at least adequate at it. Also, the more often you do it, the more likely it is that you’ll finally find out some secrets of the mythical clitoris. And if you do, please let me know.

Good luck, fellas, Don’t forget to come up for breath.