We’ve all had a building crush. Ya know, the guy or gal who works in the same building/vicinity as you, and is absolutely dreamy. There have been those times you get in the elevator with him/her, and oh how tense those rides are! “I need to find a conversation starter,” you think to yourself. “The weather? Too obvious! How the elevator takes to long? Boring! Come on, THINK. I could compliment the jacket. Yes! Complimenting is good! Then we talk about similar fashion likes and we get drinks and DAMMIT THEY JUST GOT OFF AT THEIR FLOOR.”
My building crush was perfect. She was stylish, but in a subtle way. Beautiful beyond compare, but never flaunted it. (I’m sure) she was kind, intelligent, witty, and actually enjoyed cheesy action movies (so stoked for Expendables 3, by the way). She even had the building crush characteristic of mystery. I had running conversations with my coworkers about her, but they never seemed to catch sight of her. Some days not even I knew if she existed. She was just this super cute apparition, a figment of my imagination, a residual of watching one too many rom-coms and expecting the same (the way that Natalie Portman and I will meet is the exact plot line of Notting Hill, and yes, I know she’s married to that French dancer dude but let a brother dream!).
So it was clearly fate that was intervening when I was on my train home one day and looked over to see my building crush standing a little ways down in the same subway car, speaking with (I assume) some friends of hers. Holy balls! This is it. There’s no escaping it (wait that sounds familiar). Obviously subway etiquette states that I shouldn’t approach her in the car. It’s a confined location, and the person is trapped once the conversation starts. So if the conversation goes awkward, there’s quite literally no escape. But man oh man, if she were to get off at the same stop. It would basically be the Holy Ghost coming down and telling me that I should talk to this broad (for me, the Holy Ghost has an uncanny resemblance to Patrick Swayze). I mean what are the odds of that? At least like 1 in 10 (what, and you’re a statistician?!).
And, by the power of love, SHE GETS OFF AT THE SAME STOP. Ok, go time. I definitely have to talk to her. But she’s a little too far ahead of me as she’s leaving the station. It would be weird if I tap her on the shoulder from behind and say “Hey I’m that dude who works in the same building as you.” I hold off. She turns down the same street I need to go down. Alright, nowiIt’s getting super “fate-y.” She’s on the other side of the street, but that’s ok, because if I time it right, I can cross the street and “happen to be next to her.” Like Chris Paul timing an alley-oop to Blake Griffin I make my move, except that I overshoot it, and now I’m the one ahead of her. Thankfully the Holy Ghost AKA my main man Patrick Swayze steps in and stops us at a busy intersection. The moment is here. With the smoothness of Stamos in a Greek yogurt commercial, I “randomly look to my side,” pull a “vague recognition face,” and say “Wait, don’t you work at 536 Broadway?”
She says yes, in fact she thinks she’s seen me around. I feel like the coolest dude ever. It helps that she’s super nice. We chat about what she does (she’s a video editor), where she works (at some big-shot edit house), and such. I ask her how she likes this area, as I recently moved over to this part of Brooklyn. She loves it, she used to work at a bar down the street and her boyfriend works at the bar where she’s taking her friends right now. Her. Boyfriend. CURSE YOU SWAYZE. Why would you set me up like that? I mean the same subway car? The same street!?
Thankfully the next street is where I need to turn to head to my apartment anyways, so I’m able to make a graceful exit. In hindsight I wasn’t all that surprised. I mean I’m not that delusional (I promise). The chances that she’d be single (and into me) are even higher than her randomly being in the same subway car as me, so like 1 in 15 or something (using Bayesian probabilities, of course). Besides, the other day I was at my local coffee shop, and I saw my coffee shop crush. She was perfect…