brad pitt

Steal my car? I can forgive you. Burn my house down? Water under the bridge. Have an affair with my wife? Hey, we’re only human – “of flesh and blood we’re made.” But mass text me? We are no longer friends. Please delete my number from your smart phone and return my DVD for season two of “Deadwood” that you borrowed over a year ago that I know for a fact you still haven’t watched.

Mass texting (and let’s not call it “group texting” because “group texting” makes it sound like we are all willing participants in your sick, twisted, hi-tech information orgy) will turn you into a social pariah faster than admitting you watch “Dancing With The Stars” without any irony. It’s not fun. It’s a never-ending, free-for-all of stupid and unnecessary information clogging up our phones, our minds, and our precious time.

Never, never, NEVER in the history of texting has anyone said, “Man, this mass text I have been a part of for the last seven minutes is awesome sauce! God, I hope it never ends!” No one is ever happy about being on the receiving end of a mass text. Mass texting sucks the absolute joy out of life and makes you want to get rid of your phone for good, as well as get rid of that person in your life that continues to do it.

People send a mass text thinking, “Hey, no harm. Everyone texts.” And that’s the problem. EVERYONE TEXTS. So what follows is a mass response to your mass text. And no one knows how to end that mass text so it keeps going and going until you realize you have just entered Dante’s Nine Circles Of Hell, only worse because at least Hell is a little more interesting than the link to an “awesome” cake pop recipe you’ve just been sent from your aunt.

Look, everyone loves getting a text. It makes you feel special, no matter what the information being conveyed on it. It makes you feel like you are being thought of. And you are being thought of when you receive a mass text — along with about nineteen other people. Suddenly that special feeling of receiving a text is not so special.

You want to share something unimportant, like a link or photo you find amusing? There is this thing they have called social media and the whole thing is based on sharing crap that is unimportant. Look into it. You need to communicate some sort of information to a large quantity of people? Try mass emailing. Mass emailing is fine. Mass emailing is encouraged. It is kind of tailor-made for what you are doing (besides being annoying). In fact, there are really only two instances I can think of where mass texting is an acceptable form of communication amongst friends:

1) You are locked in the trunk of a moving car.
2) You are having sex with Scarlett Johansson and you need everyone to know immediately.

The worst is the mass text around the holidays. That is a shining example of all that is wrong with this convenient technology. They were too lazy to send an actual card or gift, couldn’t be bothered to make a phone call, and even the thought of a holiday email was too taxing for their brain. So instead they quarter-assed it (cause calling it “half-assed” is being too generous) and sent out a mass “Merry Xmas!” — even being too lazy to spell out “Christmas.” I don’t care if we are family or have been friends since we were nine. If you do this to me our relationship is over.

As much as we all love unlimited texting, all of that unlimited texting won’t save you from all of that unlimited annoyance of receiving unlimited bulls*#t texts from unlimited dummies who feel they must unlimitedly respond. So if you care about maintaining solid, long-lasting friendships, try avoiding the mass text. If, on the other hand, you are looking to burn all bridges and live life as a loner, have at it.