salad

Which restaurant you decide to take a first date to can be more important than what you wear, how you act, or how your breath smells COMBINED (okay, maybe not that last one). Pick the perfect place and you are assured a second date and the possibility of some heavy petting. Pick the wrong place and you are stuck at home, heavily petting yourself. So below are nine restaurants that you should never, under any circumstances, take a first date to. Save these places for friends, family, or people you just plain don’t like.

9) A five star, high-end restaurant that is the hottest ticket in town – You are just adding pressure to an already high-pressure situation.  You don’t need to come out so hot your first time in. Slow your roll on the “trying to impress” tip. Plus, there is nowhere to go but down once you go to the best restaurant in town. You have shot your wad way too early – something that should never be done on a first date, literally or figuratively.

8) Food truck – Okay, technically not a restaurant, but it still serves the same purpose. Taking a first date to a food truck is cool and you can pretty much guarantee that the food will be interesting and tasty. That being said, taking someone to a food truck is not really a date. Standing around a parking lot munching on pork belly tacos – no matter how goddamn good they taste – is just not conducive for those “getting-to-know-you moments.” Save the food truck for the third date or for after you’ve already had sex (whichever comes first).

7) A bar that kinda, sorta serves food – You might as well be telling your date, “Yeah, I don’t really want to eat. I just want to get you s*#tfaced as quickly as humanely possible. But hey, they serve hot dogs and over-sized pretzels here! Both of those go great with a PBR tall boy and a shot of Malort!”

6) Brazilian Churrasco – Soooo tasty. But it is just meat – mounds and mounds of delicious, succulent meat. So you eat and talk, eat and laugh, and eat and eat some more, happy that you picked a place that both you and your date love… and then you both decide to call it a night, shake hands, go to your respective homes, and pass out from all of that meat.

5) Medieval Times – Unless you are 100% sure that your date is really into it, don’t go. Even going ironically is a bad call, as the food is horrible and the cheese factor is even worse. You may have visions of Game of Thrones-type sex after your evening of inedible roasted chicken and horrific baked potatoes, but more than likely your date has already planned to flee from you like you’re a White Walker from behind The Wall.

4) Any buffet of any kind – There is a certain amount of sameness when it comes to buffet-style eating. Rarely do you ever see something special. Logistically it’s too hard to create a truly creative or inventive or even tasty dish. So instead you get mounds and mounds of mediocrity (which is very similar to the programming on VH-1). That mediocrity will reflect on you and your personality, assuring you will never see your date again.

3) A salad joint – Salad ain’t sexy. It never has been and it never will be.  Plain and simple. And to quote The Simpsons, “You don’t make friends with salad.”

2) Ethiopian – It’s tasty and unique but it will run through your digestive system like a runaway eighteen wheeler on an icy road. Do you really want your first impression with a potential suitor to be you clenching your butt cheeks all night? Save the Ethiopian food for another night – like when you’ve been married already for five years and everyone involved already understands what he or she has gotten themselves into.

1) Applebee’s – Nothing screams lack of effort like a first date at Applebee’s. It is the food equivalent of wearing sweatpants. You are basically saying, “I couldn’t be bothered to think of any place to eat that might be remotely interesting, so lets just eat at the restaurant closest to where I live.” A good rule of thumb: Potato Twisters and Cheeseburger Sliders might be yummy, but they won’t get you a second date. EVER.