So in case you didn’t know, Palcohol is a thing. Or not. It might be. Maybe. We’ll see. No one really knows for sure.
Palcohol is powdered alcohol that gives you instant drink (and instant drunk) by just adding water. You can then add any mixer of your choosing or buy their specially flavored powders such as margarita or mojito. You can even sprinkle it on food!
Now, the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau approved Palcohol in early April only to pull said approval six days later amongst a flurry of bad press about how, you know, easily accessible, high-proof, powdered alcohol may not be such a great idea. They said the approval for Palcohol was done “in error,” AKA, “Jesus, we really screwed the pooch when we gave this the go-ahead – let’s back peddle as fast as humanly possible.”
The makers of Palcohol claim that the rescinded approval has more to do with the levels of powder in the bag, not the actual product itself, and they will resubmit for approval, AKA, “There is no way in hell we are not shoving this down consumer’s throats when there is so much money to be made.”
Regardless if Palcohol gets approved or not, it’s important to remember this: It’s stupid. It’s not that hard to get drunk. It’s really quite simple. Do we need it any simpler? Are there people that are actually doing it wrong? Yes, powdered alcohol is convenient – so are the nine billion convenient stores that sell regular alcohol on every block. And if you say, “Well, it would be great for camping trips,” then I say to you, “Sack up and buy a flask.”
Modern chemistry is an amazing thing but sometimes it is used for stupid-ass purposes. This is one of them. There is no reason anyone needs to get that drunk that fast. (Okay, the one exception is family functions during the holiday season. I’ll give you that one.) If Palcohol becomes officially approved you know it will be more abused than a fourteen year old kid’ wanker after he discovers masturbation for the first time. Guaranteed – GUARANTEED – there will be some idiot out there who says to himself, “Add water? F that! I’m adding booze to my powdered alcohol. YOLO, bitches!”
The big drunk elephant in the room is this question: if the government reapproves the submission for powdered alcohol, will people try to snort it? Hell to the yes they will. Who wouldn’t? Listen, I have never done hard drugs and I am a lightweight when it comes to drinking, but even I would try it at least once under controlled circumstances (meaning my bed was nearby – like I said, I am a lightweight). People want to get drunk fast. This product was made for that. And what better way to get trashed faster than to abuse said product and snort it up your nose where it hits the brain much quicker than if it had to go through the stomach first?
So kudos, makers of Palcohol! If this product does finally get approved than you will have earned more addicts quicker than meth producers in the Mojave Desert. You are officially the less cooler and less troubled version of Walter White. Your slogan could be, “Palcohol: Get Your Drink On (By Snorting it Through Your Nose. But Don’t Really Do That. I Mean This Is America And You Can Do What You Want. So If You Buy Our Product We Can’t Stop You. USA! USA!)”