“Here’s to God and football and, 10 years from now, Street, good friends livin’ large in Texas.” ~Tim Riggins, fictional American Hero
Professional football players allegedly love God very, very much, if their on-field behavior is to be believed. You know what I’m talking about if you’ve ever watched even a quarter of a football game.
But does God love football players very, very much?
We decided to sit down with the Big Man (or woman?! We’ll never tell!) a couple Sundays ago for a day of binge-watching grown men run into one another and stuff. Here are some of the things he uttered through the day.
“You know what? It’s kind of weird they play all day on Sunday. I’m not, like, super self-centered or anything, but it is kind of supposed to be my day, where people worship me while I rest. How many of these dudes do you think went to mass before the game, or plan on going afterward? Seriously, take a guess. I mean, I know the answer already. Obviously.”
“Concussions were first invented by Satan way back in the day as a way to make people forget when they had promised themselves they would repent for some horrible deed. You know that Ray Lewis guy? Yeah, he’s had a few but they didn’t really take. That guy is still all mixed up regarding mortal sins he committed and how one is supposed to behave afterward. You’ve seen him screaming and just trying to talk about things, right? Definitely some serious issues going on there that are out of my power, and—I’m being serious right now—I did give all of you free will.”
“You know how I was talking about free will and all that boring sh*t earlier? Well, did you see that guy who just thanked me right now, saying without me he wouldn’t be where he is? I mean, that’s kind of true, but not in the way he thinks. Without me he wouldn’t be on the Earth, because the planet and all this stuff I created a few years back wouldn’t exist, but I didn’t, like, take time out of my schedule to plan out his life so that he would end up in the NFL and that he would be on this field today and that he would snag a game-winning interception, which, by the way, did my fantasy team zero favors. (I feel like the people up here let me win because of my potential for wrath and all of that, but I really just play for fun and to stay in touch with some of my better-serving angels.) Oh, yeah, but anyway, I didn’t invent football, and I sure as heaven didn’t contrive that this guy should play it professionally.”
“That coach is really, really freaking out about something over there. Imagine if he were your boss at an office job or something. He’d be locked away. I mean, I get that this is a serious game, but it’s still a game. You’d think that his neighbor coveted his wife or something, the way he’s screaming, veins bulging out of his neck.”
“Why are these assholes dancing after every little positive achievement? You see that obese guy there? He’s prancing around like an idiot and he didn’t even really do anything on this play, or any of the others for that matter. Imagine if you behaved this way, doing the Satan-damn Macarena every time someone responded ‘yes’ to one of your workplace meeting invites.”
“Oh, yeah, that ‘Outside the Lines’ report just reminded me—I’ve been drafting Commandments 11 and 12. They’re going to be ‘Thou’ shalt not beat women,’ and ‘Thou shalt not abuse children, especially before they reach an age where they can cognitively understand right from wrong.’ Actually, you know what? I’m on a roll. Let’s just make it a baker’s dozen and add in ‘Thou shalt not cover up heinous crimes, especially for one’s own gain.’”
“Hey! It’s that Kellen Winslow fella. I remember when he was in college and tried telling people he was a soldier in reference to playing football for a school in exchange for a free-of-charge education that he didn’t take much advantage of. Think it’s a coincidence that he broke his leg really badly that one time?”
“It’s usually cool knowing everything, but knowing how much these guys make annually is not very cool. It’s preposterous.”
“Did that guy just get a penalty for prostrating in the end-zone? This organization is really, really bad at doling out punishments for things.”
“Well, I think that by now it should be obvious to everyone that Roger Goodell isn’t going to spend any of his afterlife around these parts. Pete over at the gates already has the memo to not let him in.”
“What… what is Carrie Underwood doing? Why is she a part of this? Why are all these players awkwardly doing things they obviously filmed in a green screen room somewhere? Do you mind if we switch over to FOX now? I think the new season of The Simpsons starts tonight.”
“I would tell you how many guys who are currently active in this league have tattoos that say something like only I can judge them, but it would leave you seriously depressed, and you have enough to worry about already, what with like the real struggles of human existence and all of that stuff.”