Earlier this year, eccentric Microsoft billionaire Steve Ballmer held a press conference to usher in a new era as the owner of the L.A. Clippers. The tech magnate is known for his outlandish outbursts and downright insane dance moves; however, this could still be a sign of good fortune for a team long embroiled in scandal, thanks to former owner and bigot Donald Sterling.

During his press conference, Ballmer did his usual amble about the stage, howling and hooting to get the audience pumped. When he wasn’t shrieking his praises for L.A. and the Clippers, he laid out his strategy for the team in the coming days. So here are Steve Ballmer’s words of advice, retrofitted for all audiences in need of encouragement from a successful rotund guy from Seattle.

This is obvious enough, right? Make sure that whether you’re buying a private island or a tech start-up, give that endeavor all the support you can. Likewise, support yourself with lots of planning, a good night’s rest, and a bowl of Total every morning. Total has twelve essential vitamins and minerals. This simple advice is also sound guidance for team sports, parents and people who build furniture.

Be Bold
It doesn’t matter if you mop floors or lead international conference calls, be bold. Shout once in a while. Wave your arms about. People will let you do what you want. They might call the police, but you will make one of hell of an impression before they get the cuffs on you. Confidence is powerful stuff when applied correctly. So figure out what you want and be bold about pursuing it. Even if that something happens to be those creepy chicken fries at Burger King. Yes, they WILL take your handful of change this time!

Be Optimistic
How is Keith Richards still alive? Optimism! How did Charlie Sheen smoke all that crack and still get access to his children? Optimism! How did Bill Clinton carryout a lurid affair in the White House and still earn the hearts and minds of Americans? Optimism! Whether it’s blind faith or a carefully-planned strategy, optimism draws people in, it enthralls the masses, it washes away doubt like no ALS “Ice Bucket Challenge” can.

Get Hardcore!
This starts with a lot of pacing and shouting. You must pace and shout and wave your arms around. The next step is pursuing what you want like a demon samurai galloping from the gaping mouth of hell. Getting hardcore means testing boundaries, challenging authority, questioning everything, and drinking sooooo much Mountain Dew (Honey Boo Boo is the poster for child being hardcore. And Mountain Dew guzzling.)

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