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How good are you in bed?

Kind of hard to say, right? If you’re a master of duration who produces toe-curling screams, numb faces, and complete post-coital exhaustion for both parties, that’s pretty rad. Good for you.

But this is all subjective. You can tell your boys you’ve been knocking the bottom out of that ass, or whatever, but it’s only going to be your word, unless you’re doing some next-level creepy stuff like filming your sexual escapades and sharing them with your friends. Even if your girlfriend or wife steps in and vouches for your performance, they’re still going to be skeptical, on account of the fact that your special lady (hopefully) is not going to tell your friends about your penchant for three-pump-dumping.

So finally, after all these years, there is a mobile app that records and documents your sexual performance.

It’s called Spreadsheets, and it “monitors your performance in bed to provide statistical and historical feedback,” according to its website. Spreadsheets uses your phone’s microphone and accelerometer (the same feature that allows step-counting) to track the decibel level of the sex noises, the rapidity of movement, and the duration of your boner jammin’. It does this much in the way a mobile sleep app does: you fire it up and place your phone face-down on the bed. (Which, to me, is kind of funny. It’s got to be kind of like that super-awkward moment where you stop everything to put a condom on.)

You can check your performance for each  round, and the app will record monthly and cumulative totals for how many times you have sex, the number of thrusts, the duration, and the decibel peak.

Also, since getting laid apparently isn’t enough in and of itself anymore, the app turns your sex life into a challenge, or a game. Spreadsheets has a number of achievements you can unlock based on your performance and frequency.

Some of my favorites:

  • Olympian: Log activity five days in a row (100 points)
  • Power Hour: The tower of power lasted an hour* (30 points)
  • Role Play: Costumes ON or OFF? Get Creepy** (60 points)
  • Slow N’ Steady: Wins the race? Five-plus minutes of slo-mo (30 points)
  • Fight Cancer: Regular sex prevents cancer. Twenty-one times in a month (40 points)
  • Show Off: Five times less than 30 seconds. Really? (0 Points)***

Now, I cannot vouch yet for how well the app works, or if it can do anything exciting for your sex life, but I can tell you that simply calibrating the app is a lot of fun. When I downloaded it the other day, I was prompted to place my phone on my bed and start moving around. Then I was asked to make noises to calibrate the microphone. Which I got a little bit weird with so that I could mess with my roommate. I made sure I left my door open so that when he came out of his room to see what was going on, he found me dry-humping my bed while moaning to myself things like: “Don’t stop. Don’t you dare stop.”

Oh. And: if you’re a lady living in or around New York City, I’m at srm5082@gmail.com if you’d like to assist me in trying out the app in the name of journalism.

*If you can do this without the aid of booze and/or antidepressants, you should probably be doing porn.

**Not sure how you can prove that you’re role-playing. Not yet, anyway.

***Womp womp.