You may have heard that recently a handwritten list of big-name celebrities that Lindsay Lohan has allegedly banged appeared in In Touch. It includes Justin Timberlake and Joaquin Phoenix, among many others you would not expect to have hit that. I asked my editor if I could write about the celebrities I have allegedly banged. She said go for it.*
Anastasia Ashley: In all my years of boning celebrities, Ashley presented the most fit body, and was the most apt twerker. (Though in defense of the others, she is the only one who ever twerked in my presence. It was like she couldn’t help it.) It was extra fun because when we weren’t knocking boots, I briefly got to be the person who takes all of those sexy pictures she posts to Instagram on a daily basis. She broke things off when I posted one without a filter.
Rihanna: Of course she was a demon in the sack, but I felt like a perpetual disappointment because, for all of his faults, Chris Brown is hung like a moose with hooves of fury. I bet it’s the same deal with Drake, or at least it better be because he says in the song “F**kin’ Problems” that “’This long-dicked [racial slur that is not “cracker”] ain’t for the long talkin.'” Turns out this is precisely what Rihanna likes, because she left me for that Toronto native shortly after she told me I wanted to “talk about my feelings too much and probably wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Not sure why that’s a bad thing, but hey.
Gwyneth Paltrow: For some reason I always thought GOOP would be a good lay. Just like I thought Coldplay would remain one of my favorite bands for about a decade. I’m wrong a lot. I’d describer her as pompous sure, but she was more weird than anything else. For one thing, she had a massive bush that she would sometimes ask me to braid, and she also made me dip my penis in a tub of quinoa on more than one occasion.
Kristin Cavallari: Everything was fine with us until I told her I had gotten the Gardasil vaccination so as not to contract or spread some of the most common forms of HPV. I don’t really understand what her issue was with it, but whatever.
Anna Kendrick: I knew it was a terrible idea to get involved with Anna, because she was my White Whale. The one woman I knew that if I succeeded in bedding, I would never be the same again. Every other woman would pale in comparison. She ultimately left me for George Clooney. For a while we kept in touch, because I wanted to have her in my life as a friend if the alternative was not having her in my life at all. But then she stole some of the things I said during pillow talk and passed them off as her own Tweets. This resulted in a falling out.
Lindsay Lohan: Look, I’m not proud of it. She was a slump-buster. We’ve all been there, right? I mean, I’m sure you’ve done much worse. I know I have on at least one occasion. She’s not that bad. Mean Girls was a great film! We had this “Friends with Benefits” thing going for years, when she wasn’t incarcerated or whatever. It ended just recently when she said I wasn’t’ famous enough to be included on her “A-List Celebrity Bang List.”
*Disclaimer: Scott Muska has obviously slept with none of these women. He might be virgin. Check out his story on Bronies.
Courtney Love: I told you I had done worse.**
**Scott may have slept with Courtney Love. It’s possible neither remember.