kraken

If you’re a dude, then premature ejaculation has been a problem for you at some point in your life. To say it hasn’t been is, quite simply, a lie, and I don’t want to hear it.

I used to have mad premature ejaculation problems. (And I’m perpetually looking over my shoulder, for fear that said problems will return with a three-pump-dump vengeance.) There were times in my high school and early college days when I would occasionally avoid sexual encounters with women because I was so frightened of completely embarrassing myself. This was, of course, before I discovered the benefits of alcohol regarding sexual longevity, and it was also long before I went on anti-depressants. (They make things…difficult. And also confusing. So what if I get super happy someday and decide to go off of them? Then I’ll be busting in 30 seconds, which will make me sad all over again, probably. My life is apparently a never-ending cycle of melancholy.)

When I was ejaculating prematurely, I thought a lot about how I could prevent it from happening. One way that occasionally worked was by my thinking, mid-coitous, of whack shit that would keep me from shooting my glue too early.

Here are some of those thoughts. I hope they help you, if you need it.

  1. A scorpion using its tail to sting your nugget pouch while you eat lima beans.
  2. The time your big brother came into the shower and choke-slammed you because he’d wanted to take the first shower that morning. And you were both in the nude.
  3. Manu Ginobili dunking on your head when you are 15 years younger than him and eight inches taller.
  4. Your parents making you in the bedroom where you grew up.
  5. Your grandparents making one of your parents while your other set of grandparents film it.
  6. Taking a cattle-prod to your dick, repeatedly, on higher settings each time.
  7. That time your big brother tricked you into putting FlexAll on your twig and berries, and what that felt like, both physically and emotionally.
  8. Gary Busey giving you a Chipotle order in six different languages.
  9. Going to church or Sunday school except without the pretty, dressed-up girls present.
  10. Pretend that everything the girl you’re with says is said in the voice of Scott Stapp, lead singer for Creed.
  11. Imagine that Greg Popovich and Bobby Knight are simultaneously commentating your sexual prowess. And both are naked.
  12. Recall the time you were playing soccer and were slide-tackled straight up in the nuts. By a dude wearing cleats.
  13. Imagine that for the rest of your life the only thing you’re allowed to eat are salads, and that you can only use the healthy dressing.
  14. Picture thousands of hairy taints.
  15. Count sheep as though you were attempting to fall asleep, except each of the sheep you count has a rubber band tied securely around his nuts, which will eventually fall off due to lack of circulation.