There was a time when Wingdings was the scourge of the world. A collection of idiotic symbols and pictures that served no purpose other than their use as so-called “funny” alternatives to actual words on party invitations and school assignments. They were as useful as a wet napkin. Of course, the modern day equivalent of Wingdings is emoji – that shorthand smart-phone extension that finally allowed people to avoid typing such difficult-to-spell words as “shoe”, “moon” and “zzz.”
If you’re like me – and one should hope to avoid that as much as humanly possible – then you have a friend who loves to text using emojis. Also like me, you maybe even dated somebody who does it, too. Well thanks to the brains trust behind the infuriating, yet incredibly popular emoji brand, we’re getting 274 more of them. Some of them are fairly standard, but some of the others are just made to confuse people. So here is a guide for all you users of smart-phone dating apps on how to interpret the litany of new icons about to infiltrate your phone’s keyboard.
Thermometer or “It is rather warm in here, just like you.”
This could get you laid. Just don’t preface it with “ur a” or else you could genuinely confuse somebody.
Wind Blowing Face or “This is what I look like while performing oral sex.”
Straight men are advised to steer clear of this emoji. Gay men are advised to ask about their STI status.
Fork and Knife with Plate or “Did you see this week’s episode of Hannibal?
Run. Or don’t if that’s your thing. I ain’t judging.
Desert or “I am thirsty, if you know what I mean.”
Thirsty is code for “horny.” You could also just say that you are horny.
Dove of Peace or “I’m spiritual, and likely a big wanker.”
If used in tandem with the ‘om symbol’ emoji then they’re probably masking serial killer tendencies.
Hole or “This one is pretty self-explanatory.”
Use in conjunction with a ‘finger-pointing’ or ‘joystick’ emoji and you may be typing something illegal in 17 states.
Man in Business Suit Levitating or “You’re gonna need magic to get into my pants. Houdini magic.”
Just last week I was chatting on Tinder and thought “man, I could really use an emoji of a man in a business suit levitating to help express my complex feelings.” The time has finally come.
Pocket Calculator or “Are you just happy to see me?”
Nerds are gonna love this sh*t. See also the Star Trek inspired ‘Raised Hand with Fingers Splayed.’ Or don’t.
Black/White Hard Shell Floppy Disk or “If you don’t know what this is then you are too young.”
I will also secretly judge people based on what color floppy disk they choose.
Cancellation X or “Bye.”
Somebody will receive this and just keep messaging you as they are wont to do. This is where actual words come in handy.
Wastebasket or “I am emptying my inbox and you’re going with it.”
I mean, if you want to be mean about it, or you could just quietly back away. Let’s face it, you’re never going to see these people in real life so why fret?
Sleeping Accommodation or “There is a position vacant in my bed.”
Sometimes you just have to be blunt with people, you know?
Motor Boat or “I would like to motor boat you. Perhaps on a motor boat.”
Depending on your gender of preference, this will be easier for some than others.
Reversed Hand with Middle Finger Extended or “Piss off, asshat.”
This one pretty much speaks for itself and is perhaps one of the few emojis with any actual value. After all, who hasn’t wanted to end an angry text to an ex with one of these? Or go see them in person and do it to their face. Whichever is the most satisfying, you know?